40.50 – 50 Days of change

Today marks 50 days of being 40. And 50 days since I decided to change my life story. For my 40th birthday I wanted to celebrate B-I-G. And by big I mean, have a destination birthday with pictures & beach time & pool bars & cupcakes & on & on & on. Oh how I love a good cupcake–not to mention, my birthday is my FAVORITE holiday. Yes, for serious. And my husband, ever the penny pincher, was trying to figure out how to make something happen (even if the destination was an hour away). I even had a friend take smash cake photos (one, of which, is my profile pic for WordPress). I was SO excited about it.I had the outfit, scheduled to get my hair done, bought flowers, a crown, a cake….seriously, the whole nine yards! The day of, I was a nervous wreck. I hate the way I look in photos…mainly because I’ve packed on a few (ok, more than a few) pounds….since the freshman 15. Who hasn’t?! But I decided, it is what it is and I want to have fun at 40 and not mope around about getting old. I only told a few people, just in case they didn’t turn out as I’d hoped (I seriously didn’t want to have to show pictures of myself if they were horrible). So, I brought one of my 4 sisters along with me, to make sure my nerves didn’t take over. It was the BEST time I’ve ever had in front of a camera! Everyone should do it. Seriously-don’t overthink it and sign up. 

And then the photos were sent to me. And even though all 70, of the probably 200 that she took, were beautiful, I cried all alone over what I was seeing. The girl in these photos couldn’t POSSIBLY be me. There’s no way I had let myself go that much. It was one week before my birthday. I was at the beach (which didn’t help) and I was wondering why I had even attempted this. And I could not stop staring at them. The shock and awe just consumed me.

Then my birthday came. And I decided enough was enough. I shared 25 of the photos on Facebook. And I did it to motivate myself. I gave myself a BIG FAT reality check. And the day after my birthday I started to walk. And track my food. And give it to God. Funny how we give all kinds of things in our lives to him but we seldom give him our diet. Well, I did that day. And every day since.

I won’t say it’s been easy but I will say this has been the easiest time so far. You  know that yo-yo thing that you get on when you “are so ready to lose weight”? Well, it’s a big ol’ FAT mind game that you play with yourself and I am D-O-N-E. No more mind games, no more self sabotage. I’m in it to be me. Whatever version of me that’s going to be. I’m taking it one step at a time. Literally. 

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